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BREAKING STORY: Tabata Breaks His Silence About His Age The Bucs Have His Back-Finally Some Good News

#1 User is offline   Jeff King 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:24 PM

In a small room just down the hallway from the press room at McKechnie Field in Bradenton Florida, Bob Nutting, Frank Coonelly, Neal Huntington and Jose Tabata are preparing to address the media in a press conference. Coonelly speaks into a walkie-talkie:

Gayo. Is he here yet?

Gayo, who’s out in the parking lot, replies into his walkie talkie:

Not yet, boss.

OK. Let me know as soon as you see him.

Joo got it, meng.

Bob, you have nothing to worry about. After this press conference, there will be no more questions about Tabata’s age. I have a plan.

Tabata’s age? I thought the purpose of this press conference was to announce that we’re changing the rules on the all you can eat tickets and limiting the number of items you can actually eat to one every three innings.

No, no, I don’t think we want to tell anybody that. We're going to put that on the back of the ticket in print so small, that you need a magnifying glass to see it.

I like it. I like it a lot. Remind me, why we’re here again?

Well Bob, there’s an issue with one of the players we acquired in the Nate McLouth trade. His name is Jose Tabata…he’s the guy sleeping on the cot behind you.

Actually Frank, we acquired him in the Nady/Marte trade with the Yankees.

Shut up! That’s completely irrelevant.

Nutting whispers to Coonelly:

Who’s the putz with the red hair?

That’s Neal.

Nutting looks confused.

Neal, who? The name’s not ringing a bell.

Huntington. He’s the other half of the best management team in sports.

Oh. What organization do they work for?

They? No Bob, the best management team in sports is us. Me and Neal.

Nutting starts laughing.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You guys?!?! When did you start calling yourselves the best management team in sports?

Actually, that’s what you called us.

I did? I don’t remember saying that. Anyway, what’s the issue with this Talapia guy? And why is he wheezing so heavily while he’s sleeping back there?

Actually, it’s Tabata, not Talapia…and the wheezing is from his emphysema. But we don’t think it’s anything to worry about. The issue is that we’ve been telling everyone he’s 21 years old.

Well, how old is he?

We have no fucking clue…but this off season, when he had his hip replacement surgery, the doctors did say that he might be older than 21. But that’s not important, because we’re prepared to lie through our teeth to the press. The bottom line is that we have to address this now. We don’t want this situation being brought up over and over throughout the season.

Good. Now, when are we gonna get this thing over with already? I’ve got piles of money that I need to count.

Gayo’s voice comes out of Coonelly’s walkie talkie:

Hey boss. His limo is aqui. Joo want me to send him in?

No, have him wait outside. You come on in here and meet us in the back room. Remember…you’re introducing him.

Joo got it boss. I be right in.

OK, we’re just about set. Neal, wake Tabata up from his afternoon nap.

Will do, Frank.

Now, Bob. I don’t really think it’s necessary for you to address the media. We’ll handle everything. We’ve put together a few different options for statements from Tabata. We’re going to tell everyone that Tabata wrote the statements in Spanish and that we had Gayo translate them into English, so Gayo will read them to the media. Then if there are any questions, Neal and I will handle them. We just want you to be there to show a unified front, OK?

Rene Gayo enters the room, dripping with sweat from the steamy 65 degree temperature outside.

I'll let you handle everything, Frank. Quite frankly, I don’t understand this whole thing anyway. Why should this guy’s age matter? The fans should just be excited that we’re having Dave Matthews Band play at PNC on July 10th.

All due respect, Senor Nutting, but Dave Matthews Band makes musico horrifico.

That’s just fine, at least it’ll make the fans temporarily forget about the horrifico baseball team we’ll be fielding.

NH is shaking Tabata to try to wake him up. Tabata mumbles something in Spanish.

What’s he saying?

He say he tired…and his back hurts.

I don’t give a shit if his back hurts! Get that fucking old bag up, now!

Gayo helps NH prop up Tabata and hands him his cane.

I gotta tell you, Frank. I’m a bit nervous. Did you see that line of people waiting outside? There must be 200 of them.

Those people? Dey not on line for dee press conference.

No? Then why are they all here?

ESPN sent Erin Andrews as their correspondent for today.

So, why are they all standing in line?

Das dee line for blowjobs! She do it really good, Deal!

Not as good as my boy, Pjoma. His mouth is like David Copperfield and Harry Houdini all rolled into one. Pure magic.

Alright, Gayo. Let’s get this thing rolling already. Get out there and introduce our special guest.

Joo got it boss!

Gayo exits the room and walks down a short hallway. He then enters the press room where some media people are seated along with John Russell, a few Pirate players and some other random people.

Gayo walks up the short flight of steps to the stage and approaches the podium. Behind him on the wall is a giant Pirates banner with an 800 number. Gayo, clears his throat and begins to speak into the microphone:

Damas y caballeros…dat mean ladies and yentlemen, for doze of joo dat no speak Spanish. Joo get it? I make a joke! I be here all week…try da veal! No, no…I keed, I keed.

Today, dee Peetsburgh Pirate Organization, is glad joo all came. Before we begin…I would like to introduce to you… a special guest. He’s dee man who no longer allows all-star games to end in a tie…ladies and yentlemen…I geev to you…dee commissioner of dee baseball…Meester Bud…Selig!

Bob Smizik, elbows the guy next to him.

Whoa! Selig is here for this? This should get good!

Bud Selig enters the room with his always arrogant look on his face. He smiles to the people in attendance, walks up the steps, shakes hands with Gayo and steps up to the podium:

Hello, everybody. I’m glad you all decided to be here with us today.

If history has taught us anything…it’s that I am going to have to continue to bail my former flunky, Frank Coonelly…out of trouble. First… when he was working for me and got caught having sex with a 16 year old MLB intern…it was me who buried that incident and paid off her family.

Coonelly screams from the back room:


Then…when all of the MLB employees said they could no longer stand having Coonelly around the office because they were creeped out over that incident…it was me who forced Nutting to give him a job.

Wow! I had no idea! I remember a few years ago, I heard some rumblings, but I never though it was anything like that.

You heard rumblings? Are you sure that wasn’t your stomach telling you that you need food?

Fuck off, Bozo! Nice hair!

Then…when Coonelly allowed his rookie GM, Deal Nothington, to negotiate with Scott Boras after they drafted his client Pedro Alvarez…and he fucked the whole thing up because he doesn’t know how to read a clock…it was me who stepped in and begged Boras to back down and allow his client to come to this ultimately sad and pathetic franchise.

Ha! I love this!

Me too, Smizik. This is great!

Hey Garzalny! Good to see you. But shouldn’t you be in Arizona with the Cubs?

Yeah, but whenever Jeff King writes one of these things, I like to stop by. They’re always entertaining. Now leave me alone and let me watch this thing unfold.

How’s Chicago treating you? I really like the deep dish pizza, there.

Shut the fuck up, retard. That’s not pizza…it’s butter soaked danish, topped with tomato sauce. And besides, if not for your hot September last year, you’re essentially Brandon Moss.

Oh, yeah? Well at least I didn’t get traded for Kevin Hart. Shows how highly this organization thinks of you.

You’re right. You didn’t get traded for Kevin Hart…you got traded for Jason Bay…which shows how much of a disappointment you are.

Please everybody, let’s keep the noise down. You’ll have an opportunity to ask questions later. Now, where was I?

Joo were talking about what a tool Deal Nada is for fucking up dee Pedro Alvarez thing and not knowing how to tell time. Den you were saying something about how pathetic dee Pirate franchise is.

Yes, you’re right. Thank you, Rene. By the way…isn’t Rene a girl’s name?

Jes, I suppose sometimes it is. But your name is Bud. That’s not a guy’s name…and it’s not a girl’s name…it’s a douchebag name. The type of douchebag that gives home field advantage in dee World Series to dee league dat wins dee all-star game. Was dat jour idea, Einstein?

Whoa!!!! Good one, Gayo!


I found those last remarks to be uncalled for and very disrespectful to the commissioner.

Shut the fuck up you Russian faggEt!

Yeah, shut up Fag-jan, you ass kisser!

Smizik and Perrotto high five each other.

Alright, alright…let’s get back to business, here. As I was saying…it appears as if every time Coonbag gets himself into trouble, it’s gonna be me that has to bail him out. Several years ago when the Pirates acquired a young prospect…whose name is escaping me right now…

Ees Jose Tabata.

Yes, thank you Rene…Jose Tabata. Well, there have been questions about the validity of his age…that he might not be as young as originally reported. Today, this situation is going to be addressed by Mr. Tabata and the Pirates organization.

But Mr. Selig. I don't get it. Why are you here?

Keep quiet you fucking whore! Er…uh…I mean…that’s an excellent question.

Coonbag yells from down the hall:


Coonbag is correct. You can ask questions later...but I’ll answer this one the best that I can. Coonbag thinks that my presence here today, will lend authenticity to whatever bullshit they’ve concocted, to try to remedy this debacle.

Let me tell you, it’s working so far. Jeez.

Please give a warm welcome and your undivided attention…to Mr. Robert Nutting…Mr. Frank Coonelly…and Mr. Deal Nothington.

Selig steps to the side and takes a seat. The three retards take the stage, all wearing big, phony, politician-esque smiles. Coonbag steps up to the podium:

Hello, everybody. Today is a great day to be a Pirates fan. Before we begin, I’d like to thank Commissioner Bud Selig and Rene Gayo for the introductions. We all know that Commissioner Selig is a very busy man and we very much appreciate that he took the time out of his schedule to be here with us today.

Everyone takes a look over at Selig, who is now doing a crossword puzzle and not even paying attention to Coonelly.

Right, Mr. Selig?

No response from Selig.

Right, Mr. Selig?

Selig hears Coonbag this time and looks up from his crossword puzzle:

Huh? Were you talking to me?

I was just thanking you for being here and telling everyone how busy you are.

Yes, yes…very busy…you’re correct. Now, if you’ll just get this bullshit over with already, I have a massage scheduled in an hour. Hurry it up, fuckstain.

Coon gives another big smile to the audience.

Oh, that Mr. Selig…always the jokester. I’m so happy that you could all join us here at McKechnie field, the beautiful facility that houses the spectacular Pittsburgh Pirates organization, every spring for the last 41 years.

We’re here today to address and finally put some closure to a situation regarding one of our highly touted prospects, Mr. Jose Tabata. Recently, there have been some reports that he might be slightly older than twenty-one years old. Today, we’re going to give Mr. Tabata an opportunity to speak to you all about his age and set the record straight, once and for all. As you all know, we expect great things from this young man…twenty to thirty all star appearances…multiple seasons batting over .400, where he’ll of course win many batting titles…a thousand career HRs…but those are just some of his individual accomplishments. We also expect him to be a team leader, who will turn this franchise into a dynasty…and win us the championships. Note the “s” after championship, indicating “more than one.”

This is just getting stupid at this point.

Come on John, Mr. Coonelly is speaking. I want to hear his every word.

That’s because you’re gay.

So? So what if I’m gay? And the truth is, I didn’t turn gay until Mr. Coonelly and my Little Opie were hired. Now, they’re all I think about! They’re so dreamy! I love it when Opie says, “Smart baseball decisions.” It gives me wood.

You’re a bigger cock smoker than I ever thought.

Please everybody…I know you’re all excited about our pending championships, but if we could just keep the noise down a bit. We’re going to bring Mr. Tabata out here to address the situation in just a minute. But before we do…there are a few things we’d like to get out of the way real quickly.

If any of you have been watching our infomercials…er…uh…I mean, spring training broadcasts…you’re probably aware of the innovations we’ve made this season as far as ticket sales are concerned. We’ve decided, that no matter what type of season ticket plan you’re interested in…whether it’s a full season…

Nutting interrupts Coonbag:

Which of course is the recommended plan for everybody!

Correct, Mr. Nutting, we do recommend that all of our great Pittsburgh Pirate fans take advantage of our full season plans…but if that’s not convenient for you…we have operators standing by…that are willing to work with you, and be completely flexible, to find the package that works for you!

Coon turns around and points to the banner.

Just dial 1-800-CHAMPIONS, and you’ll reach one of our wonderful ticket agents…that will work with you no matter what type of plan you’re interested in. Even if you only want to buy tickets for say, fifty games…we’re willing to allow you to do that. We’re that flexible. Perhaps you can only make it to twenty of our spectacular games…at our incredible PNC Park…we’ll bend over backwards and make an exception for you. We decided during this off season that we’re not going to make you commit to buying tickets to more games that you want to buy. That’s the type of innovative flexibility that we’ve decided to offer to our incredible Pittsburgh Pirate fans…the greatest fans in the world!

Are we going to have to suffer through any more of this bullshit? As if it wasn’t bad enough that your puppethead announcers were forced to go through this lame sales pitch during the spring training broadcasts, now we have to listen to it all over again…at a press conference where we’re supposed to be hearing about Jose Tabata’s real age?

Really. And do you really think we’re stupid enough to think that being able to buy tickets to only the games fans want tickets for, is some idea that you and your marketing staff innovated?

Actually, I think they did innovate that.

Dejan winks at Coonbag.

I remember in the past if you wanted to buy tickets to even a single game, you had to buy tickets to at least 20 games. This is a very innovative concept they've come up with.


Coonbag tries to distract everyone from Smizik and Perotto pointing out how pathetic his sales pitch is:

Whoa! I think we’re having some problems with our sound system. I’m hearing some loud screeching sounds coming from the speakers. OK, let’s move along…but just remember to call 1-800-CHAMPIONS, for tickets…our flexible operators are standing by!

Now, one last thing before we bring out Mr. Tabata. We have some entertainment for you.

No fucking way!

Our newly acquired, slugging second baseman, Akinori Iwamura, has been working on a song that he’d like to sing for you all. Don’t forget that it was the Japanese that invented Karaoke…which reminds me…Akinori will be our featured singer at PNC Karaoke night, Saturday June 19th vs. Cleveland, 7:05pm…tickets are available by dialing, 1-800-CHAMPIONS!

Ooooooh! I’m getting wet! The Japanese also invented bukakke. I LOVE bukakke!

Wait a minute! What does Karaoke have to do with Jose Tabata’s age?

Nothing, but it gives Jeff King a chance to have some fun with racial stereotypes…plus it gets under Crimhead’s skin.

What about us? We were told Jeff King would be using us for racial humor.

Well, give us an example of what you might say.

Hey Rinku!

Yes, Dinesh?

Do you know why all Indian women have that red dot on their foreheads?

No Dinesh, why do all Indian women have that red dot on their foreheads?

Because every night when we come home from work, we repeatedly poke them in the forehead and scream, “WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING UGLY?!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING UGLY?!?!?”

Not bad! Me gusta dat one!

That was OK, but I get the feeling this song is gonna be better. Alright, let’s bring up Akinori Iwamura!

Iwamura is sitting in the front row, next to John Russell, but he has no clue what’s going on as he hardly speaks English. Russell taps him and points to the stage.

Mumble, mumble, mumble…it’s uhhhh, you know, time Aki…mumble, mumble, mumble.

Oh! Sank you betty much!

Iwamura gets up and takes the stage. He’s wearing a ninja outfit, swinging a set of nunchucks and has a samurai sword hanging from his waist.

Everybody…Iwamura is going to be doing his own rendeetion of “Hello, I Love You,” by dee legendary Jeem Morrison and dee Doors.

You leady, fat boy?


Hit da musics!

Joo got it, chinky!

Gayo reaches for the Karaoke machine and hits play. The song, “Hello I Love You,” is now blasting from the speakers.

Iwamura begins dancing like Tom Jones. Coonbag is dancing next to him.

Herro, I ruv you, Akinori my name.
Herro, fans pay for Nutting's private airplane.
Herro, I ruv you, ret me pray baseball game.
Herro, Deal Nothington is so fucking rame.


He ret Capps and Chavez go-oh,
So he had to spend some dough-oh.

I rike sushi but my name’s not Wong.
We’ll be in rast prace before too rong!





The song fades out...

Dat was muy fucking bien!!! Fantastico!!! Nice song, Aki!

Iwamura takes a few bows.

Oh, sank you. Sank you betty much!

Coonbag steps back up to the microphone.

Thank you, Aki. That was, uh…interesting. And remember everybody…be with us June 19th at PNC Park for Karaoke Night after the Spectacular Pirates take on the Indians!

Wait a minute! We’ll be playing against the Pirates? We thought we were Pirates!

Not you guys! The Cleveland Indians.

Exactly. That’s the team that demoted me to head popcorn vendor right before the Pirates hired me to be their General Manager.

There are Indians in Cleveland? Do their wives have red dots on their foreheads?

Is Tabata ever going to speak here today? I’m getting hungry.

Are you hearing any rumblings?

Shut the fuck up, Smizik!


Hack writer!


Are you talking to me?

I thought he was talking to me.

OK, OK, everyone. We can tell that all the jabbering in the audience is because you’re pumped up for the mesmerizing Pittsburgh Pirates upcoming 2010 season…but it’s time for today’s featured speaker, Jose Tabata. As you all know, English is not Jose’s first language. He prepared a statement in Spanish that Rene Gayo has translated into English. We’ll bring out Mr. Tabata and Gayo will read the statement in English. Take it away, Rene. Oooh, that rhymes.

What a douchebag.

No kidding.

Smizik and Perrotto high five each other, once again.

Gayo steps back up to the podium.

OK, aqui we go. Without any further ah-duez…




Joo do what?

You said, “ah-duez.” It’s, “adieu.”

It’s dat joo do what?


Please welcome…Mr. Jose…Tabata!


The press room becomes completely silent.

Slow, unevenly paced footsteps can be heard coming closer to the room. The audience is looking around to see if anyone has entered.

The slow, unevenly paced footsteps are getting slightly louder. Suddenly a shadow can be seen coming slowly toward the entrance of the room. A figure appears in the doorway. He’s hunched over, bearded, wearing a newsboy’s cap, has a cane in one hand and appears very frail. As he enters the room, he uses the cane to help him walk and holds his lower back with his other hand.

He finally speaks, in a gravelly, barely audible tone:

Hola…cough, cough, cough, cough…amigos.

Tabata then breaks into a coughing fit that nearly knocks him to the floor.




It can’t be!

He looks great!!!!! He’s got CHAMPIONSHIPS written all over him! Hooray for my Little Opie!!! That’s right people! My Little Opie acquired this young buck!

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me? I want that old man to fuck me…all seventy-five pounds of him!

Let’s hear it for JOSE TABATA!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE...SOME APPLAUSE!!!!!!!

John Russell and Deal Nothington jump to their feet and begin to applaud with all of their energy…which in Russell’s case isn’t much.

The rest of the attendees sit there in utter shock…except for Bud Selig who’s been asleep so long that he has a drool stain on his shirt the size of an olympic swimming pool.

Tabata slowly limps over to the steps. He tries to lift his foot up onto the first step, but he can’t do it.

Somebody help him! He’s exhausted from the Gin Rummy tournament he played in last night.

Bobby Crosby, who’s been sitting with Russell and the other players, gets up and rushes over to help.

I’ll help! After all, I am the captain of this team.

Since when are you the captain of this team?

When I negotiated my contract with Coonbag, we made a deal. I agreed to allow him to continually overuse the fact that I was AL Rookie Of The Year back in 1982, if he’d name me team captain.

You negotiated your contract with Mr. Coonelly? What about the negotiating that you and I did?

Coonbag told me to just dick around with you on the negotiating and then he and I would strike the actual deal.


Listen, dickwad. Do the names Miguel Sano, Ramon Vasquez and Pedro Alvarez sound familiar to you? I can’t let you negotiate any more deals. You’re a fucking amateur.

Dee name Sano is familiar to me! Joo will never see or hear from his familia again! Gayo, FTW!!!!!!!!!!!

Captain Crosby, help Tabata up to the stage.

Yes sir, Coonbag.

Crosby helps Tabata gimp his way up the steps and over to the podium.

Now that our spry, young prospect is on the stage, we’re going to have Mr. Gayo read the heartfelt statement that was prepared by Mr. Tabata and translated by Gayo. Mr, Gayo?

Jes, boss. I going to read dee statement…that was written by…uh…Mr. Tabata…of course.

At this point, Scott Boras enters the press conference through a door in the back of the room.

Gayo reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded up piece of paper. He unfolds the paper and begins to read:

Fans…for dee past dos weeks…joo have been reading about dee bad break I got. Jet today…I consider myself dee luckiest man on dee face of this earth. I have been in dee ballparks for seventeen years…and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

Wait a minute! That’s Lou Gehrig’s farewell speech!



Gayo…Plan B!

Joo got it boss! Plan B it is!

Gayo reaches into his pocket and pulls out another folded up piece of paper. He unfolds it and begins to read:

I do not believe…dat any of us would exchange places with any other people…or any other generation. Dee energy, dee faith, dee devotion… which we bring to dees endeavor…will light our country and all who serve it—and dee glow from that fire can truly light dee world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for joo…ask what joo can do for your country. My fellow citizens of dee world: ask not what America will do for joo, but what together we can do for...

That’s JFK’s inauguration speech!

FUCK!!! Gayo…plan C!

Scott Boras says to himself:

Typical Coonelly. What a douche.

Gayo reaches into his pocket and pulls out yet another folded up piece of paper and begins to read:

We cannot be satisfied…as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote…and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote.

I have a dream…that one dia…dees nation will rise up and live out dee true meaning of its creed.

This is fucking bullshit, Coonelly! That’s Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream,” speech!

I don’t give a fuck what it is…I’m dripping wet from these speeches! Perrotto…stick your hand up my skirt and rub my love button! Rub it…hurry the fuck up! Pleeeeeaase!

Iwamura is sniffing the air.

Hmmmmmmm. I think I smell fish.

Love button? I don’t even know what that is.

Her clit, you moron.

Even I knew that…and I’m gay.

Take a look at me. You think I’ve ever seen a vagina?

Gayo…you should have one more. Go to plan D. There’s no way anybody knows this one.

Gayo reaches into his pocket for his final speech option.

I haven’t had an orthodox career…and I wanted more than anything to have your respect.

That’s it!!!! Somebody needs to finish me off!!

I knew I smelled fish!

Iwamura runs over to Erin Andrews, who is slumped over in her chair. He lifts up her skirt and pulls her panties down to the floor.

Stick those nunchucks in me and don’t stop until I say so!

You might get sprinters.

My cunt is more worn out and broken in than Carlton Fisk’s catcher’s mitt. I won’t feel splinters! Now fuck me with those nunchucks!

Iwamura gets on his knees and begins to pummel Erin Andrews’ vagina with his nunchucks. She’s screaming in ecstasy.

Gayo continues to read:

Dee first time I won, I didn’t feel it…but this time I feel it…and I can’t deny the fact that you like me…right now…you like me!!!!!

Dejan jumps up with excitement.

Oh!!!! I know that one! That’s the speech Sally Field made when she won the Oscar for best actress in 1985!

No fucking way!

Only a fag would know that. You probably like Moulin Rouge, too!

You betcha! I have it on DVD!

Coon gets back up in front of the podium.

OK, that was some statement from Mr. Tabata. I’m just glad he was able to set the record straight, once and for all. I'm sure you're all satisfied.

Now that he’s cleared the air, I can't imagine there's anything that wasn't covered, but I did promise that you'd have an opportunity to ask questions. As you all know, I'm a man of my word...so, are there any questions?

Iwamura is still feverishly banging Erin Andrews with his nunchucks.

Yes, now that you’ve wasted our entire afternoon with all of this nonsense, I’m going to ask Jose Tabata directly:

Jose, how old are you?

Gayo translates the question into Spanish for Tabata:

Bob Smizik quiere saber, ¿cuantos anos tienes?

Tabata, who is looking weaker and weaker with every passing second, whispers into Gayo’s ear. Gayo nods his head to Tabata.

Tabata say…that he learned a very important lesson from his little league teammate, Vic Davalillo.

Davalillo taught him that age isn’t important…what’s important is being true to yourself.


Excellent answer, Jose!


Vic Davalillo was a little league teammate of Tabata’s? I'm pretty sure Davalillo's like 85 years old.

Alright, I’m gonna ask the same question as Smizik, but this time I’m asking Huntington. So Neal, how old is Jose Tabata? It’s a simple question and I’d like a simple answer.

He’s not thirty, let’s put it that way.

Nice answer you fucking turd! It’s pretty clear that he’s not thirty…he’s more like a hundred and thirty!

Oh yes! I’m gonna cum any second! OHHHHHHH!! Keep going with those fucking nunchucks!!!!!!!!!!

HARDER!!!!! FASTER!!!!!!!!!! HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! I no think she can feel anything!

If I have to keep doing this, I no make it to baseball season. This no easy.

This whole press conference is a sham!!!!! I demand an investigation!!! If it’s discovered that Coonbag and Nothington knew Tabata’s age and lied all along, they should be fired immediately!!!!!

Tabata is beginning to wheeze heavily. He’s holding his hand on his chest.

Cccccchhhhhhh, cccccchhhhhhhh, cccchhhhhhhhhhh...

Coon is still wearing his big phony smile, and is committed to sticking with his plan, despite all the chaos.

OK, are there any other questions? Oh, I see Michael Vick is raising his hand. Go ahead, Mr. Vick.

Thanks Coonbag, but I ain’t exactly gots a question.

Michael Vick? What are you doing...at a Pittsburgh Pirates press conference?

If you even gots to ax me that question, then I know you ain’t ever gots yo dick sucked by Erin Andrews. That’s worth the trip to Florida all by itself. But from the looks of things, once the ninja finishes her off wit’ dem nunchucks, I don’t think she gon’ be interested in suckin’ any dick.


Iwamura is sweating profusely from the workout he’s getting from banging Andrews with his nunchcuks.

Prease, prease! Cum already! I no can keep doing this!


Nice! I gots my posse wit’ me too. They’d like it if you’d suck on their Johnsons, as well. When we dun' wichoo, you gon' look like a glazed donut.


OH MY GOD!!!!! I’M CUMMING!!!!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The whole room is now staring at Erin Andrews who falls to the floor.

Daaaaaaaaamm!! Dat was intense! I got hit by some of dat shit comin’ out dat greasy snatch of hers.

Tabata is still clutching his chest and he’s breathing very heavily.

Cccccccchhhhhhhh, ccccchhhhhhhh, cccchhhhhhhhhh...

So, Mr. Vick…your question?

Like I said, it aints no question. As per the terms of my parole, I gots to make at least four public service announcements about animal cruelty each month. I figured as long as I was comin’ down here to get my Jimmy sucked by dis ho, I might as well take care of my bidness.

OK...go ahead.

I encourage y’all, to love yo animals. Whether it be a dawg...oh a cat…oh a horse…oh a reptile…oh whatever it am…love that animal.

Peace out. I’m goin’ to gets on line for a top notch blow job!

Very well said, Mr. Vick. Hey Mr. Nutting, now that Vick made that statement, we can probably get a tax write off for the cost of this press conference.

Excellent thinking, Frank. Make sure you get a copy of today’s events on DVD to our accountant.

Any other questions?

Yes, my question is for John Russell. John, now that it’s obvious that Tabata is about seventy years older than you guys have been saying, are you in fear that he might not develop the power we’ve all been hoping for?

Uhhh, you know…mumble, mumble, mumble…Charlie has really great stuff, you know…mumble, mumble, mumble…now he just needs to harness it, you know…put it all together...mumble, mumble…and Joe Kerrigan’s been working a lot with him, you know…mumble, mumble…you know…mumble, and you know…mumble, mumble…Kevin Hart has shown us some really nice things…uh, you know, mumble, he's got a real special arm...mumble, you know…and Neal went out and brought in Aki, you know, mumble, uhhhhhh…mumble, mumble, you know…and now it’s really, uhhhhhh, you know, uhhhhh, mumble, mumble, uhhhhhhh, you know, mumble, mumble…it’s just time for us as a team, uhhhh, you know…uhhh, you know, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble... to uhhhh you know…just show everyone…uhhh, what this team is uhhhhh, you know…uhhh, capable of...uhhh, you know, mumble mumble…

This guy is the perfect fucking manager for this disgrace of a franchise. What the fuck did he just say besides, “you know” and “mumble, mumble?” He didn’t even come close to answering the fucking question!

Coon is still unfazed by everything that’s going on.

Are there any more questions?

Erin Andrews stands up from the floor, makeup smeared all over due to the tears that she cried during her intense orgasm. She’s completely naked.

Yes, I have a question.

NICE!!!! Her tits look even better than in dee peephole video!

Go ahead, cum dumpster.

Does anybody have a cigarette?

Tabata screams that he can't breathe and he needs help.

¡No puedo respirar! ¡Ayúdame!

Tabata hits the floor, clutching his chest. Gayo pounces on him:

Hey Boss! We got a problem with Tabata! I tink he having a heart attack!

No, no, he’s just resting. He likes to do that sometimes.

Boss, he no breathing!

He’s not thirty, let’s put it that way.

We better do something. Captain Crosby…call 911!!

Fuck that! I’m the captain of this team…and a former AL Rookie of the Year. Why should I have to call 911? Have Laroche do it.

He’s on the Erin Andrews blowjob line, outside.

Which is where I'll be going as soon as this disaster of a press conference is over.

I’ll call. And if they ask how old the victim is…I’ll just say, "he’s not thirty, let’s put it that way."

Now, what’s the phone number for 911?

Ladies and gentleman…that wraps up our press conference for today. Thank you so much for coming out. We're certain that we've properly addressed the rumors regarding Jose Tabata's age.

Remember, the line for blowjobs from Erin Andrews is just outside…and there are beverages and pastries also.

Sweet! If there are pastries it's not a complete waste of a day!

Ixnay on the astries-pay. I cut that out of today's budget.


We look forward to seeing you all at PNC for a spectacular season of incredible Pirates baseball...this is the beginning year of our dynasty.

Remember to call 1-800-CHAMPIONS for tickets!


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#2 User is offline   DoctorJohnnyFever 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:27 PM

Sweet merciful crap.

#3 User is offline   tobaccoroad 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:36 PM

When I'm bored I play cards. Or I play with myself. Kinger has his own options apparently.


#4 User is offline   The Lumber Company 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:41 PM

Why this board doesn't have an exalt button is beyond me. But that's the most entertaining piece of journalism since "The Tale Of Scrotie McBoogerballs". I laughed, I cried, I thought. Bravo, Mr. King!

#5 User is offline   greybeard131 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:42 PM


#6 User is offline   oblongatta 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:46 PM


You're pretty on the inside,
That's better than not pretty at all,
You're pretty on the inside,
Too bad I'm an outside kinda pretty guy.

#7 User is offline   PF82 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:58 PM

I have nothing insightful to add, just wanted to say that I was here.
"I have to admit
I thought I was shock proof"

#8 User is offline   mzimmerman81 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:00 PM


I wasn't going to read all of that, but I am glad I did.
5 GP

10-16, 4-2B, 2-3B, 9 RBI, 6 R

#9 User is offline   seanawesome 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:03 PM

Hahaha wow, that was amazing. Absolutely hilarious. Definitely an epic thread.

#10 User is offline   PF82 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:04 PM

So is this also the official release announcement for all the new quote bubbles?
"I have to admit
I thought I was shock proof"

#11 User is offline   The Lumber Company 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:06 PM

I'd also like to add that it would be a lot funnier if it wasn't loosely based on the reality of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

And I'm also surprised that Iwamura didn't get into how accomplished he is at math.

#12 User is offline   Jeff King 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:08 PM

QUOTE (The Lumber Company @ Mar 31 2010, 11:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And I'm also surprised that Iwamura didn't get into how accomplished he is at math.

I have to leave some material for future projects.
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#13 User is offline   engma 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:10 PM

Muy bien!

#14 User is offline   Ma13tt0 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:27 PM

"Penguin and ma13tt0 vindicated" - PF82 12/12/12 8:35 PM

#15 User is offline   ECBucs 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:28 PM

Good post, I was a little worried at first when I saw Breaking Story. My first reaction was that Tabata broke a leg this a.m.

#16 User is offline   herrmorpheus 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:49 PM

Save a journalist, buy a newspaper.

#17 User is offline   mercerboy 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 01:54 PM

That large number of guests you're seeing? That's people here to read this story. Raise The Jolly Roger retweeted the link I posted.

So funny...I kept saying "This is STILL going???" and couldn't stop reading...so disjointed and crazy. That's good stuff. Thanks for the laughs man!
Proud member of the Soul-sucking Pessimist Club.

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#18 User is offline   ecbenito 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 02:00 PM

well fucking done

#19 User is offline   Martini 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 02:12 PM

Bravo Indeed! Fucking Brilliant!!!
Get it?

#20 User is offline   Hoard's Tree-Trunk Legs 

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 03:03 PM

Outstanding effort, Jeff King. This is undoubtedly the finest work I've ever encountered on a message board. I laughed throughout the entire thing, but howled uncontrollably at the thought of Coonelly dancing next to Iwamura. I fell out of my chair when Coonelly referred to Crosby as Captain Crosby. This post made my afternoon.

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